I feel like I should have something to say, but I'm not sure what to say.
Often, that is how I feel about God. I start to speak about Him or to Him, and then I shrink back, fearing that I will get something wrong, that I will misjudge His character or assume too much of Him. The truth is that I frequently misjudge His character in my heart, thinking that He acts and thinks much as we as humans act and think. I assume that He gives good things because we deserve them and withholds because He is unhappy with us.
Lately, He has shaken this view of mine that He can somehow be equated with earthly things. Instead, I would be wise to look at how I know things work on earth and then imagine the opposite. I am mostly likely to find Him there, something other and unknown to me. And yet, He reveals so much of Himself to me through His Word and through His broken creation. I am in awe that He would take the time to sit with me as a parent would sit with a child working on her homework and correct my mistaken view of the world. I am most moved to tears when I suddenly realize that His grace has appeared in the most unlikely, unnoticed way in my life but in a way that soothes the pain that myself or others have caused.
I have been reading in Job lately, and it scares me to think of how often I sound like Job and his friends, "uttering what I do not understand, things too wonderful for me" (Job 42:3). I think about it in reference to this blog. It is highly probable that I have spoken once, if not many times, of what I do not understand, things too wonderful for me. I am seeking to know God more so that I may dare to speak of Him.
More than that, I want to learn how to talk to Him. I want to learn how to talk to a God who does not respond at all like any of my friends or family would. How do I lay out my silly complaints before God, who is guiding all aspects of my life and knows what is best for me (Romans 8:28)? How do I ask for things of a God, who could give me anything and who has indeed given me everything of value (Romans 8:32)? How do I praise a God, whose character will never fully be known to me? As a wife would slowly learn more about the man she has married, both good and bad, so I am struggling to learn more about this God I am in a relationship with, only He is all good and far more complex than any human man.
So I remain here, praying for grace to cover every word I speak. May my words would be guided by reverence and an uncontainable love for God.
