These are a couple of prayer poems that I wrote about a year apart from each other.
My prayer in sharing is that a word or a line will resonate with someone.
Fields
She twirled the strand of twine
As she sat perched
On the weathered wooden fence
Just biding time.
Her ash grey pup, panting,
Lay sprawled at her feet.
Time passed like the gentle breeze
Tugging at her hair.
Time could not bring the words
To her chapped lips.
A prayer, not even that;
A groan began to form
Goodness. This was good.
The rich green of the grass.
Copper, her pup.
And God was good.
More good than these.
It was hard to believe.
God help her unbelief.
She wanted to see.
Longing seized her
For the warmth she could not reach,
The part of the sun
That alluded her.
"We hope for what
We do not see
We wait;
We wait with patience"
The Spirit sang;
She longed to catch
The sweet melody
Of hope unseen.
///
Streets
White-washed walls
Windows, curtain-less
Twelve by twelve feet
Looking out on grey streets
We sing, we pray
God bring rain,
Wash away the stain
Of hearts bleeding with shame.
This is my plea
As I sit here silently
Whisper life and hope
To the emptiness echoing inside of me.
Fill me like a kettle full of tea,
Whistling the truth boiling in me,
Pouring forth love
In a constant, steady stream.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Fishing Boats and Mirages
Three questions frequently stir the pot of thoughts in my head...
1. What am I supposed to do with my life?
2. Where am I supposed to live?
3. What am I supposed to write about?
These questions are common questions, especially if I expand the third one to include any type of creative process. And, they all relate to one another. Where I live will effect what I'm doing and vice versa. What I'm doing will determine what I create or how much time I have to create outside of providing for the necesseties in my life.
If you think I'm going to tackle all three questions in one post, think again! Instead, I'm going to tackle the problem of how to approach these questions. We must begin with how we view the current answers to these three questions.
1. What am I doing with my life?
2. Where am I living?
3. What am I creating (this could involve writing, art, mentoring relationships, raising a family, teaching, establishing oneself in the business world?)
You are doing something; you are living somewhere; the experiences and thoughts that will shape your creations are taking place now. Do the answers to your questions displease you?
I'll be honest. Mine sometimes do. I'm an adventurer, always waiting for the next bend in the trail, the next breathtaking view, the next rocky climb that will knock the breath out of me. Instead, life often plods along, more akin to the pace of a fisherman drifting in his boat in the bayou, waiting for the fish to bite. I feel aimless when I don't catch any fish, but my skin is bright red and my face dripping with sweat.
My parents tried to warn me. Life doesn't move at the exciting pace you imagine it will as a little girl reading stories, playing pretend, and having all the necessities provided for you without a moment's worry. Like many of my friends, I sit a year or so out of college still wondering what's next. When does the pace pick up? I don't think it's when I get married. Enough of my friends have already taken that jump only to land once again inside the slowly drifting fishing boat. And I don't think it's when I move because even my friends overseas have their routines and waiting periods.
You may be thinking, "Well that certainly doesn't describe me and my group of friends. We are all so busy that we barely have time to get together and catch up. We are rushing around trying to take all the necessary steps to reach our career and family goals." I would respond with these questions, "Are you absolutely certain you are going to reach those goals and that they are the ones you are meant to be chasing? Is there anything you are waiting for? Is there a "next" always in the back of your mind?" If you answer, "No. Yes. Yes." to these questions then you are in the slow moving fishing boat with the rest of us. You are chasing the mirage that is the bend in the road. I would argue that the three questions I began this post with are also part of this mirage. We chase the answers, and they always seem to allude us. Or, the answers ultimately disappoint us when they have become the answers to the second set of questions - "What am I doing? Where am I living? What am I creating?" We reach what we have been striving for and there is still a "trudging along" quality about our life.
I realize that I sound cynical, which is funny because I am not typically a cynical person. What I am realizing is that life is much more about the process than it is about the ultimate answers to these questions about what we are going to do. How we interact with God as we fish and maybe catch nothing is more important than exploring every twist and turn along the river.
"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8
I am learning to let these questions bounce in and out of my mind. Maybe I have a new sense of direction today about my life, but I am foolish if I make an idol out of that sense of direction.
"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him." Psalm 62:5
"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1
If I long, if I wait, if I thirst, may it be for God alone. His steadfast love is better than this earthly life I cling to. (Psalm 63) My answers to both sets of questions are the same - Walk humbly with my God, a song of praise on my lips, both tomorrow and today as the story of my life continues to unfold.
1. What am I supposed to do with my life?
2. Where am I supposed to live?
3. What am I supposed to write about?
These questions are common questions, especially if I expand the third one to include any type of creative process. And, they all relate to one another. Where I live will effect what I'm doing and vice versa. What I'm doing will determine what I create or how much time I have to create outside of providing for the necesseties in my life.
If you think I'm going to tackle all three questions in one post, think again! Instead, I'm going to tackle the problem of how to approach these questions. We must begin with how we view the current answers to these three questions.
1. What am I doing with my life?
2. Where am I living?
3. What am I creating (this could involve writing, art, mentoring relationships, raising a family, teaching, establishing oneself in the business world?)
You are doing something; you are living somewhere; the experiences and thoughts that will shape your creations are taking place now. Do the answers to your questions displease you?
I'll be honest. Mine sometimes do. I'm an adventurer, always waiting for the next bend in the trail, the next breathtaking view, the next rocky climb that will knock the breath out of me. Instead, life often plods along, more akin to the pace of a fisherman drifting in his boat in the bayou, waiting for the fish to bite. I feel aimless when I don't catch any fish, but my skin is bright red and my face dripping with sweat.
My parents tried to warn me. Life doesn't move at the exciting pace you imagine it will as a little girl reading stories, playing pretend, and having all the necessities provided for you without a moment's worry. Like many of my friends, I sit a year or so out of college still wondering what's next. When does the pace pick up? I don't think it's when I get married. Enough of my friends have already taken that jump only to land once again inside the slowly drifting fishing boat. And I don't think it's when I move because even my friends overseas have their routines and waiting periods.
You may be thinking, "Well that certainly doesn't describe me and my group of friends. We are all so busy that we barely have time to get together and catch up. We are rushing around trying to take all the necessary steps to reach our career and family goals." I would respond with these questions, "Are you absolutely certain you are going to reach those goals and that they are the ones you are meant to be chasing? Is there anything you are waiting for? Is there a "next" always in the back of your mind?" If you answer, "No. Yes. Yes." to these questions then you are in the slow moving fishing boat with the rest of us. You are chasing the mirage that is the bend in the road. I would argue that the three questions I began this post with are also part of this mirage. We chase the answers, and they always seem to allude us. Or, the answers ultimately disappoint us when they have become the answers to the second set of questions - "What am I doing? Where am I living? What am I creating?" We reach what we have been striving for and there is still a "trudging along" quality about our life.
I realize that I sound cynical, which is funny because I am not typically a cynical person. What I am realizing is that life is much more about the process than it is about the ultimate answers to these questions about what we are going to do. How we interact with God as we fish and maybe catch nothing is more important than exploring every twist and turn along the river.
"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8
I am learning to let these questions bounce in and out of my mind. Maybe I have a new sense of direction today about my life, but I am foolish if I make an idol out of that sense of direction.
"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him." Psalm 62:5
"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1
If I long, if I wait, if I thirst, may it be for God alone. His steadfast love is better than this earthly life I cling to. (Psalm 63) My answers to both sets of questions are the same - Walk humbly with my God, a song of praise on my lips, both tomorrow and today as the story of my life continues to unfold.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
East Asia
“Let us know; let us press on to know
the Lord.” Hosea 6:3
This verse popped
in my head as soon as I began reflecting on my recent trip to East Asia. A few days
into our trip, C (our host) asked a group of believers to pray for our time
there and that, whatever we did, we would come to know the Lord more. This
prayer settled the desires within me to work for the sake of working, to
compare my work with another’s, and to wrestle with God over what He was
speaking over my life. My ultimate goal should be none of these, but instead
simply to know the Lord. My relationship with Him is paramount and from it
flows love, compassion, and truth for others.
So what did I come to know about the
Lord over the course of those two weeks in EA?
·
His arms are embracing the orphans and those with special
needs. As I held those blind babies who could not see but surely could cling, I
knew that He would have been right there with me on His knees reaching for
these babies. When my sensitive heart struggled to find a smile for a baby boy
who can hardly move his body, God made him to smile and laugh at me as I blew
bubbles near his precious little face. When I grew weary with heartbreak, He
continuously showed me His hope and joy breaking through the most tragic of
places. He is there and with Him comes life, and I’m just dangling on by the
hem of His robe trying to see as He sees and love as He loves.
·
He cares
about family. The V family was a wonderful model of a godly family and a great
reminder that, if God blesses me with my own family, He wants me to make them
my priority. I cannot hammer children into the sculptures I want them to be,
but I can care for their hearts as I discipline and instruct, unfailingly point
them to Him, and pray that they run hard after Him.
·
He wants us
to go deep, deeper in His Word, deeper with a few disciples, deeper in our
confessions, and deeper in our thoughts about how we share His gospel. I was
continuously reminded as we met believers as well as seekers to slow down,
pause before speaking, and accept that sometimes less is more. By this I mean
that we are better stewards of the people God has placed in our lives when we
invest in them through equipping them with how to walk with God throughout
their lives and lead others to do the same instead of always seeking new
“converts” and focusing on numbers. Also, relationships are not worth the time
if they are not open, and our ministries will be frozen by pride if we do not
confess our failings with others, both those who profess Christ and those who
are questioning.
·
He never
wants us to hide Jesus. Know the cost of following Him. EA believers do, and
their faith is more tested and genuine because of this knowledge. They can’t go
with the flow in following Jesus as if it’s the popular philosophy to believe.
They follow Jesus because He is worth it, and He is the only way, the truth,
and the life. For that, they may be put in prison but it is only a physical
prison, not the spiritual prison of having a cardboard cut-out faith that could
be knocked over by the slightest wind.
·
He asks us to take frightening leaps of faith, but He
always provides the strength to follow through with those callings and many blessings
for those that obey. An EA woman that we met at Hidden Treasures, the special
needs orphanage we visited, knew that she was supposed to give up her job with
no other opportunities in sight. A few weeks later, she got a call from the
American couple that started Hidden Treasures. They wanted her to work for
them. She didn’t know English, but within three months God gifted her with the
language to communicate with her co-workers. An American nurse gave two weeks
to serve dying orphans in EA and ended up coming back long-term. While
sacrificing proximity to her recently graduated kids, she is blessed as she
daily witnesses healing and joy in the lives of the orphan children at Hidden
Treasures. We only miss out on the incredible provisions of God when we shrink
back. “But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those
who have faith and preserve their souls” Hebrews 10:39
·
He is global
minded. God never intended for Jesus to be identified with one culture. His
desire and plan has always been the nations (plural!). Is our vision like
Paul’s? “I make it my ambition to preach the gospel, not where Christ has
already been named, lest I build on someone else’s foundation, but as it is
written, ‘Those who have never been told of him will see, and those who have
never heard will understand’” (Romans 15:20-21). And this is not just Paul’s
ambition and call. This is a call for all believers. Some of Jesus’ last words
to His disciples were “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing
them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching
them to observe all that I have commanded you” (Matthew 28:19-20).
If you would like to read more about Hidden Treasures or
support them financially, their website is: http://www.loavesandfishesintl.com/
Friday, June 15, 2012
Rhett Butler and Will-o'-the-wisps
My mind is most receptive to stories. You can lecture me about something. You can tell me something very plainly and directly. I may remember it. I may put it into practice. But, my mind quickly grows like a vine around a story, clinging to it until it becomes a very part of me. Because of this aspect of my nature, I must be very cautious in approaching stories. I watched a movie the other night called "Like Crazy." It was well made - good acting, beautiful music, compelling plot and dialogue. Unfortunately, it was incredibly depressing and left me with a sense of hopelessness about finding love. This was a poor story choice on my part because, as compelling stories always do, it has woven it's way into my psyche and now has stuck there, an image that is sure to reappear at inconvenient times.
Some days I make better story choices and my return is rich. A couple weeks ago, I made a day of watching Gone With the Wind. Reading this novel had been a semester long process. I have been living in this story for quite some time. I ended with watching the movie, hoping to erase my childhood impressions of it being a movie about a silly girl who can't stop talking about an uninteresting, married man who has a girl's name. The novel had done the trick, and this time around I was captivated by Scarlett, Rhett, and Mammy. A few hours later, the vine around this story in my mind had begun blooming, and here's what I wrote in my journal.
I have just paused to read out of Isaiah 30-35. These passages inspire fear of the Lord in me, but it's a fear that also draws me to Him in the same way I am drawn to a man that is rough, strong enough to protect me, and angry about what he ought to be angry about. God calls me out on my silly love affairs with weak, powerless gods. It reminds me of Rhett and Scarlett in a way, although I know it's a flawed comparison. Rhett is always trying to show Scarlett that he is the one she needs, the one who truly loves her and can give her the love that will most satisfy her. He is furious that she continues to pine after Ashley, who is nothing like her, is weak, and only loves the shell of her as a man lusts after a woman. Rhett's anger clearly springs from a deep love for Scarlett and desire for her to return his love.
In a much truer, holier way, God grows angry the more we take his deep, perfect love for granted and chase after a mirage of satisfaction. He continues to wait patiently for us to wake up. He continues to offer us protection, but sometimes he allows us to get hurt in His desire for us to finally see that He is better. He always speaks honestly, and He always knows our true intentions. We can't fake love for Him to get what we want. He wants it all. But, unlike Rhett, He will never walk out the door, cold after years of being rejected by his beloved. He is here to stay. And He is gentle but never the weak, feminine, angelic being we so often paint him to be. No wonder we get bored with Him. We don't even take the time to see who He really is.
For those who know and love Rhett, hopefully this will make sense. For those who don't it will be gibberish. For those who don't connect with flawed analogies and literary allusions, you may not want to read what I write in the future because I promise they will come up again. I beg you to read Isaiah 33 today and see a God who is both mighty and gracious, a savior and a judge, a consuming fire and the stability of our times. Is this the God you worship? Or do you only call on him when you need money while you chase after a will-o'-the-wisp?
Some days I make better story choices and my return is rich. A couple weeks ago, I made a day of watching Gone With the Wind. Reading this novel had been a semester long process. I have been living in this story for quite some time. I ended with watching the movie, hoping to erase my childhood impressions of it being a movie about a silly girl who can't stop talking about an uninteresting, married man who has a girl's name. The novel had done the trick, and this time around I was captivated by Scarlett, Rhett, and Mammy. A few hours later, the vine around this story in my mind had begun blooming, and here's what I wrote in my journal.
I have just paused to read out of Isaiah 30-35. These passages inspire fear of the Lord in me, but it's a fear that also draws me to Him in the same way I am drawn to a man that is rough, strong enough to protect me, and angry about what he ought to be angry about. God calls me out on my silly love affairs with weak, powerless gods. It reminds me of Rhett and Scarlett in a way, although I know it's a flawed comparison. Rhett is always trying to show Scarlett that he is the one she needs, the one who truly loves her and can give her the love that will most satisfy her. He is furious that she continues to pine after Ashley, who is nothing like her, is weak, and only loves the shell of her as a man lusts after a woman. Rhett's anger clearly springs from a deep love for Scarlett and desire for her to return his love.
In a much truer, holier way, God grows angry the more we take his deep, perfect love for granted and chase after a mirage of satisfaction. He continues to wait patiently for us to wake up. He continues to offer us protection, but sometimes he allows us to get hurt in His desire for us to finally see that He is better. He always speaks honestly, and He always knows our true intentions. We can't fake love for Him to get what we want. He wants it all. But, unlike Rhett, He will never walk out the door, cold after years of being rejected by his beloved. He is here to stay. And He is gentle but never the weak, feminine, angelic being we so often paint him to be. No wonder we get bored with Him. We don't even take the time to see who He really is.
For those who know and love Rhett, hopefully this will make sense. For those who don't it will be gibberish. For those who don't connect with flawed analogies and literary allusions, you may not want to read what I write in the future because I promise they will come up again. I beg you to read Isaiah 33 today and see a God who is both mighty and gracious, a savior and a judge, a consuming fire and the stability of our times. Is this the God you worship? Or do you only call on him when you need money while you chase after a will-o'-the-wisp?
Friday, March 9, 2012
Grateful
I am sitting here at The Village Cafe, a lovely little coffee shop/art gallery/organic restaurant. It has been a home to me this year and particularly these last few weeks, as I have needed to steal away to a part of this community that is a little more diverse. Though I feel more passionate about college ministry than ever before, there are days when I just need to escape the predictable scenery of Aggieland. One of the best places to do this is the heart of downtown Bryan, which just happens to be a hop, skip, and a jump from my house.
I have just a couple thoughts to share this morning, with the hopes of a few more posts to come over the course of this spring break week.
As I have been journaling this morning, I have been overcome with gratitude, the feeling of which was immediately followed by guilt over how this is rarely my attitude. I am a fighter. I work hard. I overcome. But rarely am I truly grateful. Rarely do I sit down with my journal before me and hurry to jot down all the ways that I am thankful for Christ and what He is currently doing in my life. More often, it looks like, "Well, this is what I'm doing....This is what makes me anxious about this situation...This is how I need God to help me...Okay, now I'll write a few Scriptures and try to get some perspective." And then I close my journal.
Here's what God says about being grateful:
1 Thessalonians 5:18 "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of Christ Jesus for you."
We wonder so often what God's will is.
This is it.
Give thanks.
Today, I'm grateful for The Village Cafe, the band All Sons and Daughters, the 11 girls that come to my house about once I week to study God's Word and share their stories, roommates who love Jesus and work with me on communicating well, the incredible people I work with at Breakaway, victory over sin through Jesus (1 Corinthians 15:56-57), and so much more.
What are you thankful for?
I have just a couple thoughts to share this morning, with the hopes of a few more posts to come over the course of this spring break week.
As I have been journaling this morning, I have been overcome with gratitude, the feeling of which was immediately followed by guilt over how this is rarely my attitude. I am a fighter. I work hard. I overcome. But rarely am I truly grateful. Rarely do I sit down with my journal before me and hurry to jot down all the ways that I am thankful for Christ and what He is currently doing in my life. More often, it looks like, "Well, this is what I'm doing....This is what makes me anxious about this situation...This is how I need God to help me...Okay, now I'll write a few Scriptures and try to get some perspective." And then I close my journal.
Here's what God says about being grateful:
1 Thessalonians 5:18 "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of Christ Jesus for you."
We wonder so often what God's will is.
This is it.
Give thanks.
Today, I'm grateful for The Village Cafe, the band All Sons and Daughters, the 11 girls that come to my house about once I week to study God's Word and share their stories, roommates who love Jesus and work with me on communicating well, the incredible people I work with at Breakaway, victory over sin through Jesus (1 Corinthians 15:56-57), and so much more.
What are you thankful for?
Monday, February 6, 2012
Finding the Words
I feel like I should have something to say, but I'm not sure what to say.
Often, that is how I feel about God. I start to speak about Him or to Him, and then I shrink back, fearing that I will get something wrong, that I will misjudge His character or assume too much of Him. The truth is that I frequently misjudge His character in my heart, thinking that He acts and thinks much as we as humans act and think. I assume that He gives good things because we deserve them and withholds because He is unhappy with us.
Lately, He has shaken this view of mine that He can somehow be equated with earthly things. Instead, I would be wise to look at how I know things work on earth and then imagine the opposite. I am mostly likely to find Him there, something other and unknown to me. And yet, He reveals so much of Himself to me through His Word and through His broken creation. I am in awe that He would take the time to sit with me as a parent would sit with a child working on her homework and correct my mistaken view of the world. I am most moved to tears when I suddenly realize that His grace has appeared in the most unlikely, unnoticed way in my life but in a way that soothes the pain that myself or others have caused.
I have been reading in Job lately, and it scares me to think of how often I sound like Job and his friends, "uttering what I do not understand, things too wonderful for me" (Job 42:3). I think about it in reference to this blog. It is highly probable that I have spoken once, if not many times, of what I do not understand, things too wonderful for me. I am seeking to know God more so that I may dare to speak of Him.
More than that, I want to learn how to talk to Him. I want to learn how to talk to a God who does not respond at all like any of my friends or family would. How do I lay out my silly complaints before God, who is guiding all aspects of my life and knows what is best for me (Romans 8:28)? How do I ask for things of a God, who could give me anything and who has indeed given me everything of value (Romans 8:32)? How do I praise a God, whose character will never fully be known to me? As a wife would slowly learn more about the man she has married, both good and bad, so I am struggling to learn more about this God I am in a relationship with, only He is all good and far more complex than any human man.
So I remain here, praying for grace to cover every word I speak. May my words would be guided by reverence and an uncontainable love for God.
Often, that is how I feel about God. I start to speak about Him or to Him, and then I shrink back, fearing that I will get something wrong, that I will misjudge His character or assume too much of Him. The truth is that I frequently misjudge His character in my heart, thinking that He acts and thinks much as we as humans act and think. I assume that He gives good things because we deserve them and withholds because He is unhappy with us.
Lately, He has shaken this view of mine that He can somehow be equated with earthly things. Instead, I would be wise to look at how I know things work on earth and then imagine the opposite. I am mostly likely to find Him there, something other and unknown to me. And yet, He reveals so much of Himself to me through His Word and through His broken creation. I am in awe that He would take the time to sit with me as a parent would sit with a child working on her homework and correct my mistaken view of the world. I am most moved to tears when I suddenly realize that His grace has appeared in the most unlikely, unnoticed way in my life but in a way that soothes the pain that myself or others have caused.
I have been reading in Job lately, and it scares me to think of how often I sound like Job and his friends, "uttering what I do not understand, things too wonderful for me" (Job 42:3). I think about it in reference to this blog. It is highly probable that I have spoken once, if not many times, of what I do not understand, things too wonderful for me. I am seeking to know God more so that I may dare to speak of Him.
More than that, I want to learn how to talk to Him. I want to learn how to talk to a God who does not respond at all like any of my friends or family would. How do I lay out my silly complaints before God, who is guiding all aspects of my life and knows what is best for me (Romans 8:28)? How do I ask for things of a God, who could give me anything and who has indeed given me everything of value (Romans 8:32)? How do I praise a God, whose character will never fully be known to me? As a wife would slowly learn more about the man she has married, both good and bad, so I am struggling to learn more about this God I am in a relationship with, only He is all good and far more complex than any human man.
So I remain here, praying for grace to cover every word I speak. May my words would be guided by reverence and an uncontainable love for God.
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