My Blundering Foray into Gardening

I have made a recent discovery - I am a dreadful gardener.

Reasons why this is true:
- This summer I have killed five plants entrusted to me, all of which were advertised as low maintenance.
- I can look at a dying plant and consciously choose not to water it in that moment or any moment after.
- If a plant is beautiful, I admire it profusely, but a dying one is nearly invisible to me.
- The plants which survived my care in the past were undeniable miracles and products of grace.
- I cannot blame the Texas heat. There are plants growing vigorously in my neighbor's yard and in my own backyard, under the care of my roommate.

The trouble is that I want to be a gardener. I think flowers are the most beautiful part of creation, second only to the ocean. I do not mind getting dirty and sweaty and pulling weeds. When I feel like it, gardening is a wonderful way to release stress and join in the creation process.

But my follow through is flawed. Gardens need consistent care, and my schedule seems to be anything but consistent. Is my failure truly a problem of scheduling, though, or is it more a problem of commitment? I am not committed to ensuring that these plants live, and not just live - thrive, bloom, flourish. Why?

Because I like instant gratification. I like to work hard, see a product, and reap all the benefits in that moment and for all the days after that without further work. Why can we not clean our house once and reap the benefits of a spotless house for years to come? Why can we not get our hands dirty once planting a rose bush and see it bloom in glory every year after?

Which leads to the more serious question - Why must we continue to invest in relationships? Why can we not be vulnerable and unselfish once, earn a person's trust, and enjoy the relationship in perfect harmony forever after? Why do couples say you must continue to date even after marriage? Why must a woman work at raising her children even after she has done the excruciatingly painful work of delivering them?

Because the world is hot. People need water too. And relationships do not grow more beautiful the more you avoid them. They just become more wilted and dead. And then - poof! They might disappear back into the soil from which they grew.

Based on my gardening skills, I am thankful I have not been entrusted with marriage or children yet. My hope lies in a rose bush and a
single zinnia flower and one crop of tomatoes and strawberries. These were products of grace, not my green thumb. Despite my weak efforts and forgetfulness about watering and tendency to avoid them when they looked like they were struggling, they survived. And the rose bush even survived for years and continued to produce gorgeous blooms.

My prayer tonight is this - may I be less enamored with romance and the beauty of lavish gardens and more committed to watering the plants I've been given and deeply knowing the real people (flaws and all) who cross my path. And maybe someday I will be blessed with a husband, a home filled with kids, and a lush garden. They will only survive (and hopefully more than survive - flourish, bloom, thrive) if I am willing to work with commitment and surrender my weak efforts to the hurricane of grace which washes over me continuously.

Your Burden Carried

Have you ever prayed that God would remind you of your need for Jesus and all that He has saved you from? I will warn you before you do because you might end up like I did today, on the verge of tears, wondering why I am sad when I have nothing to be sad about and in fact am more grateful than usual. Now, I might be a little tired so my tears may not be entirely the result of a prayer. But I'm certain that this emotion - feeling the depth of God's love and remembering the weight of sin and the strength of its grip - is a gift that only God can bestow.

Earlier this week, I was challenged from multiple sources to meditate on the Passion Week, to think about the historical events we celebrate at Easter, and consider the reason for the cross. I sat thinking about how long it has been since I have been overwhelmed by the love of God. I can look back and remember moments when I felt incredibly free because I was so sure of the love of God and so aware of how little I deserved it. My circumstances seemed all a product of His grace, even though they were far from perfect. No biting remark or sense of another person's disapproval could hurt me because I knew so poignantly that I had been rescued and that the love and acceptance of God was sweeter and more satisfying than any human love or sign of man's approval.

Once your eyes have experienced such sharp vision, it's not hard to realize when your glasses have fogged up and the beauty of God's work on the cross has somehow become a point in your Sunday sermon notes instead of something that moves you to tears every moment that you have breath. Perhaps it would be impractical for us to always be on the verge of tears thinking about the cross, but I think it is good for us to pray periodically that we know the depths of sin and despair from which we have been saved. It is from this place that our love for Jesus grows and only from that place can we love people as He loves them.

For me, what drew me back to the foot of the cross was remembering the weight of what I once lived under. Some of it came from watching others drowning in some of the struggles that once gripped my life. My hope for them comes from what I saw God do in my life. But, the second I lose sight of how deeply I struggled, the second I lose grace for them and pass on to judgement. Honestly, though, I sometimes guard myself from remembering what I once was. It's embarrassing. It makes certain years of my life feel like a waste. But, only in remembering, do I know that it was only Jesus taking my burden upon Himself that could have freed me from the burdens that were weighing me down. And, only in remembering my pain and how fruitlessly I tried to fix my problems myself, do I develop a heart that longs for others to be free.

I do not feel the need to be specific in naming the sins and burdens Jesus has saved me from. I promise you that they are not much different from your own because Jesus looks at us all the same. Our sins all weighed on Him the same while He was on the cross, and the price He paid He paid for all sins without distinction. There wasn't a heavier price for some. Every sin grieved Him. Every sin was enough to separate us from Him forever. But He conquered sin and death and rose, offering the only hope for life and freedom from this crushing weight of sin.

As my vision of the cross has come into clearer focus this week, this song has been on repeat:

"Come to Me" - The Village Church

Weary, burdened wanderer
There is rest for thee
At the feet of Jesus
In His love so free
Listen to His message
Words of life, forever blest
Oh, thou heavy-laden
Come to me, come and rest

There is freedom, taste and see
Here the call, come to me
Run into His arms of grace
Your burdened carried, He will take
He will take...

Bring Him all thy burdens
All thy guilt and sin
Mercy's door is open
Rise up and enter in

There is freedom, taste and see

Here the call, come to me

Run into His arms of grace

Your burdened carried, He will take

He wil take...

Jesus, there is waiting
Patiently for thee
Here him gently calling
Come, Oh, Come to me

There is freedom, taste and see

Here the call, come to me

Run into His arms of grace

Your burdened carried, He will take

He wil take...

Won't you come?
Won't you come?

I pray that you will come. Give him your burden for the first time. Remember your burden that He has already carried and taken away. Praise him with tears of gratitude that you are free. Sit at his feet this Easter. Rest in His love.

Reflections on Joshua

Christmas break has just ended. The curtain has closed on days filled with movie marathons and long morning talks with family over multiple cups of coffee. I sit here at 5pm in my pajama pants, clinging to these last moments of relaxation and carelessness. I feel anything but careless, though, as I look ahead to the coming months. My soul yearns to be in step with the Lord. My theme verse this past month has been "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

I entered Christmas break in a flurry of rushed goodbyes and a head full of cold medicine, attempting to process a semester filled to the brim with people, parties, work, and all the things that fill the crevices of our lives. I arrived in Colorado, the land of mountains and cold, cautiously breathing out my fears and dreams to the Creator of the beauty around me. And His response was clear as day, "Be strong. Be courageous. But you can only do so if you are confident that I am with you wherever you go." I had been sitting in the book of Joshua for a while. Sometimes a piece of Scripture just fits in my life in a way so that I cannot let it go until God propels me forward to a new promise or lesson in His Word.

It was right after my grandfather's passing over Thanksgiving that I began reading Joshua. I was kind of shocked by the first verse - "After the death of Moses the servant of the Lord, the Lord said to Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' assistant, 'Moses my servant is dead. Now therefore arise, go over this Jordan, you and all this people, into the land that I am giving to them, to the people of Israel."
Having recently experienced a death and feeling the weight of a grief that pins you to the ground, I can imagine how Joshua might have responded to God in his grief over the death of Moses. You see everyone around you moving about, but you feel a loyalty to the one you have lost that life must not go on without them. You must pause there in the place of grief and remembrance for longer than people will let you. And yet, God, the comforter, the compassionate one commands Joshua very matter-of-factly, "Moses is dead. Now therefore arise." He is telling Joshua to move. If Joshua felt anything of what I was feeling after my grandfather's death, I know that the last thing he wanted to do was move, and particularly move into the frightening, unknown territory of conquering a foreign land. While in my heart I grumbled against God for His seeming insensitivity to my sorrow, I knew he was being, not insensitive, but more in tune to my spiritual needs in this time.

A few days later, I read further in Joshua, where God tells him, "Today I will begin to exalt you in the sight of all Israel that they may know that, as I was with Moses, so I will be with you." (Joshua 3:7) And then, after he successfully leads the people across the Jordan, trusting God's promise that he would make a way by parting the waters, Scripture says that, "On that day the Lord exalted Joshua in the sight of all Israel, and they stood in awe of him just as they had stood in awe of Moses, all the days of his life." (Joshua 4:14). These verses drew my attention away from the losing of someone through death to the losing of someone's leadership. I have already experienced a season in which a close mentor and leader left me, and I was expected to take over leadership in an area in which I did not feel competent. God was faithful to raise me up in the eyes of those I was leading, not by my own strength or charisma (of which I have very little), but by the expressions of His power in my life. What struck me in these verses is the beautiful combination of commands, promises, and the fulfillment of promises. God was asking a lot of Joshua, but He was promising His presence through the seemingly impossible journey ahead of him. God had stripped away a friend, leader, and rock in Joshua's life and had called him to fill this immense gap with his own small, grieving self. But, to show the people that Joshua was the proper leader, God worked miraculously through Joshua. All He asked of him was that he believe in God's ability to prepare the way and then step forward in that faith.

Oh that I would be so faithful even in the midst of grief and even when I do not see myself as a leader or whoever it is that God has called me to be. I think that grief and a new step forward often go hand in hand. Whenever we move forward into a new challenge or phase of life, we are usually leaving behind something that was dear to us. Even if nothing we leave behind is dear to us, we may grieve the comfort of the familiar, the predictable, and the easy, for rarely is a new home/step in life/role at once easy to adjust to. Praise the Lord that He prepares us, sanctifies us, and heals us for the "Arise, go" moments.

After the people cross the Jordan and they are all circumcised, Scripture says, "They remained in their places in the camp until they were healed. And the Lord said to Joshua, 'Today I have rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you.'" (Joshua 5:8-9) I'm not an Old Testament scholar so I may be interpreting this passage incorrectly, but I see God making use of times of stillness to refine and heal His people. I look back on times when I have been kept in one place (spiritually, emotionally, physically,...) for longer than I wanted to be, and I see God rolling away the reproach of my former slavery to sin and circumcising my heart (Col. 2:11-12). Sometimes we want to shrink back in fear of moving forward while other times we want to rush through a period of slowness and healing because it hurts.

I have referred to this verse in a past blog, and I will mention it again here - "Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord." (Hosea 6:3) This is the goal and the hope whether we remain in the desert or are called forth to a new land - to know the Lord. He promises His presence, and in that presence are thousands of other promises pertaining to His character. If we are afraid, then we forget who He is, that He is love and that "Perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18)

Fishing Boats and Mirages

Three questions frequently stir the pot of thoughts in my head...

1. What am I supposed to do with my life?

2. Where am I supposed to live?

3. What am I supposed to write about?

These questions are common questions, especially if I expand the third one to include any type of creative process. And, they all relate to one another. Where I live will effect what I'm doing and vice versa. What I'm doing will determine what I create or how much time I have to create outside of providing for the necesseties in my life.

If you think I'm going to tackle all three questions in one post, think again! Instead, I'm going to tackle the problem of how to approach these questions. We must begin with how we view the current answers to these three questions.

1. What am I doing with my life?

2. Where am I living?

3. What am I creating (this could involve writing, art, mentoring relationships, raising a family, teaching, establishing oneself in the business world?)

You are doing something; you are living somewhere; the experiences and thoughts that will shape your creations are taking place now. Do the answers to your questions displease you?

I'll be honest. Mine sometimes do. I'm an adventurer, always waiting for the next bend in the trail, the next breathtaking view, the next rocky climb that will knock the breath out of me. Instead, life often plods along, more akin to the pace of a fisherman drifting in his boat in the bayou, waiting for the fish to bite. I feel aimless when I don't catch any fish, but my skin is bright red and my face dripping with sweat.

My parents tried to warn me. Life doesn't move at the exciting pace you imagine it will as a little girl reading stories, playing pretend, and having all the necessities provided for you without a moment's worry. Like many of my friends, I sit a year or so out of college still wondering what's next. When does the pace pick up? I don't think it's when I get married. Enough of my friends have already taken that jump only to land once again inside the slowly drifting fishing boat. And I don't think it's when I move because even my friends overseas have their routines and waiting periods.

You may be thinking, "Well that certainly doesn't describe me and my group of friends. We are all so busy that we barely have time to get together and catch up. We are rushing around trying to take all the necessary steps to reach our career and family goals." I would respond with these questions, "Are you absolutely certain you are going to reach those goals and that they are the ones you are meant to be chasing? Is there anything you are waiting for? Is there a "next" always in the back of your mind?" If you answer, "No. Yes. Yes." to these questions then you are in the slow moving fishing boat with the rest of us. You are chasing the mirage that is the bend in the road. I would argue that the three questions I began this post with are also part of this mirage. We chase the answers, and they always seem to allude us. Or, the answers ultimately disappoint us when they have become the answers to the second set of questions - "What am I doing? Where am I living? What am I creating?" We reach what we have been striving for and there is still a "trudging along" quality about our life.

I realize that I sound cynical, which is funny because I am not typically a cynical person. What I am realizing is that life is much more about the process than it is about the ultimate answers to these questions about what we are going to do. How we interact with God as we fish and maybe catch nothing is more important than exploring every twist and turn along the river.

"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8

I am learning to let these questions bounce in and out of my mind. Maybe I have a new sense of direction today about my life, but I am foolish if I make an idol out of that sense of direction.

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him." Psalm 62:5

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1

If I long, if I wait, if I thirst, may it be for God alone. His steadfast love is better than this earthly life I cling to. (Psalm 63) My answers to both sets of questions are the same - Walk humbly with my God, a song of praise on my lips, both tomorrow and today as the story of my life continues to unfold.

Grateful

I am sitting here at The Village Cafe, a lovely little coffee shop/art gallery/organic restaurant. It has been a home to me this year and particularly these last few weeks, as I have needed to steal away to a part of this community that is a little more diverse. Though I feel more passionate about college ministry than ever before, there are days when I just need to escape the predictable scenery of Aggieland. One of the best places to do this is the heart of downtown Bryan, which just happens to be a hop, skip, and a jump from my house.

I have just a couple thoughts to share this morning, with the hopes of a few more posts to come over the course of this spring break week.

As I have been journaling this morning, I have been overcome with gratitude, the feeling of which was immediately followed by guilt over how this is rarely my attitude. I am a fighter. I work hard. I overcome. But rarely am I truly grateful. Rarely do I sit down with my journal before me and hurry to jot down all the ways that I am thankful for Christ and what He is currently doing in my life. More often, it looks like, "Well, this is what I'm doing....This is what makes me anxious about this situation...This is how I need God to help me...Okay, now I'll write a few Scriptures and try to get some perspective." And then I close my journal.

Here's what God says about being grateful:

1 Thessalonians 5:18 "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of Christ Jesus for you."

We wonder so often what God's will is.

This is it.

Give thanks.

Today, I'm grateful for The Village Cafe, the band All Sons and Daughters, the 11 girls that come to my house about once I week to study God's Word and share their stories, roommates who love Jesus and work with me on communicating well, the incredible people I work with at Breakaway, victory over sin through Jesus (1 Corinthians 15:56-57), and so much more.

What are you thankful for?

Finding the Words

I feel like I should have something to say, but I'm not sure what to say.

Often, that is how I feel about God. I start to speak about Him or to Him, and then I shrink back, fearing that I will get something wrong, that I will misjudge His character or assume too much of Him. The truth is that I frequently misjudge His character in my heart, thinking that He acts and thinks much as we as humans act and think. I assume that He gives good things because we deserve them and withholds because He is unhappy with us.

Lately, He has shaken this view of mine that He can somehow be equated with earthly things. Instead, I would be wise to look at how I know things work on earth and then imagine the opposite. I am mostly likely to find Him there, something other and unknown to me.  And yet, He reveals so much of Himself to me through His Word and through His broken creation. I am in awe that He would take the time to sit with me as a parent would sit with a child working on her homework and correct my mistaken view of the world. I am most moved to tears when I suddenly realize that His grace has appeared in the most unlikely, unnoticed way in my life but in a way that soothes the pain that myself or others have caused.

I have been reading in Job lately, and it scares me to think of how often I sound like Job and his friends, "uttering what I do not understand, things too wonderful for me" (Job 42:3). I think about it in reference to this blog. It is highly probable that I have spoken once, if not many times, of what I do not understand, things too wonderful for me. I am seeking to know God more so that I may dare to speak of Him.

More than that, I want to learn how to talk to Him. I want to learn how to talk to a God who does not respond at all like any of my friends or family would. How do I lay out my silly complaints before God, who is guiding all aspects of my life and knows what is best for me (Romans 8:28)? How do I ask for things of a God, who could give me anything and who has indeed given me everything of value (Romans 8:32)? How do I praise a God, whose character will never fully be known to me? As a wife would slowly learn more about the man she has married, both good and bad, so I am struggling to learn more about this God I am in a relationship with, only He is all good and far more complex than any human man.

So I remain here, praying for grace to cover every word I speak. May my words would be guided by reverence and an uncontainable love for God.

Joy

My friend Allyson recently shared this quote from C.S. Lewis - "God cannot give us happiness apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."

This quote struck me because I often find myself wishing for happiness or attempting to stir the emotion within myself. I place myself on the beach, my favorite place on earth, and wait for happiness to descend on me. When it doesn't, I start to despair. I even pray to God for additional things that I believe will make me happy. I tell him what I don't like about my situation. When I am unhappy, God and I are in constant conversation.

And then, I read this verse: "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." - 1 Thess. 5:16-18

Bam. Conviction. Even though, in the midst of the unhappiness, I feel like I am praying without ceasing, I am not rejoicing. And, of all the many prayers I pray, I do not pray for joy. I expect happiness to rain down upon me, and then I will run off and be free of this constant dependence on God. What a fool I am! This is God the Father that I approach with all my complaints. He reigns over every person, every family, and every situation. This is the God who promises "strength through His Spirit in your inner being" (Eph 3:16) and the God who allows us to "know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God" (Eph 3:19). This is the God who is "able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think" (Eph. 3:20). And still, I do not pray for the one thing I desperately need, one of the things God explicitly wills for me, the one thing that would allow me to be a light to those around me - that is, joy.

This morning, I ask for it, above all my other wishes. I do not seek happiness apart from the Father. I never want to be free of my need for Him or free of the trials that throw me into His arms.

I do have much to be thankful for and many blessings in my life, but even if all of these were stripped away, I could still have joy. I would have the Lord.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

Protection

"Protection" is a sensitive topic. We all long, whether secretly or openly, for protection. We desire protection from physical harm, from heartache, from financial strain, from verbal abuse, and the list goes on. Unfortunately, so often we are not protected. People take advantage of us. People purposefully wound us. There are no jobs available, and our bank accounts are running low. The news channels remind us of how many evil people there are running around, willing and wanting to do us harm. People we need to love us are absent, physically or emotionally.

For me, often when I don't feel protected, I help myself feel better by saying that I don't need to be protected. If I am alone and don't feel safe, I tell myself I am perfectly capable of defending myself. I don't need the protection of a stronger presence beside me.

If emotionally I don't feel protected, I tell myself that I am strong enough to withstand any jabs at my heart or anyone toying with my heart. I tell myself I have a strong stomach and won't get sick from the constant ups and downs and twists and turns of the roller coaster of emotions.

If financially I don't have my safety net of a padded savings, I tell myself that I will somehow pay the bills. No emergency will pop up unannounced and demand all of my non-existent money.

To admit that I desire protection in the absence of it is too humbling for my prideful nature. There are moments when I simply cannot protect myself. I can brace myself for the blow. I can give myself these speeches about everything being okay, but they are really just a cover up for the need I feel.

Recently, I have felt my own vulnerability in a few different areas - emotionally, physically, and financially. I literally can only do so much to protect myself, and the rest of myself that is left vulnerable is reliant on someone else for protection. That someone else can be a person or it can be the Lord. I think I have learned over the years to rely on the Lord, but relying on another person is SO hard for me. I have found myself in tears because I have had to rely on the grace and consideration of another person. And, really, honestly, I don't rely on the Lord with absolute dependence. I would rather come to Him with no fear, with all my ducks in a row, with no need for His help. When I feel myself crying out to Him for protection, it wounds my pride.

That's a good thing. My pride needs to take a blow. The house built on the sand of my own strength and confidence needs to crumble.

"For he has humbled the inhabitants of the height, the lofty city. He lays it low, lays it low to the ground, casts it to the dust. The foot tramples on it, the feet of the poor, the steps of the needy." Isaiah 26:5-6

"The poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them." Psalm 34:6-7

I think sometimes the Lord pulls my sense of security out from under me so that I am forced to fall into His arms and acknowledge His greatness and might.

"Love each other with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." Romans 12:10

God has commanded that, as brothers and sisters, we love each and outdo one another in showing honor. So, when people do honor me by protecting me, I should not mourn over my wounded pride but instead I should be filled with gratitude. They have been obedient to the Lord, and they have defended me when I could not defend myself.

So, thank you Lord and thank you, my brothers and sisters. If I don't say my thanks genuinely in the moment, it's because I'm stumbling over my hurt pride and struggling for words that would admit my need for you.

Recipes and Photographs

I feel restless. I know I ought to be cleaning, packing, or budgeting, but instead I'm baking, browsing, and writing. You should know first that I am making this incredible pound cake, the recipe for which I can take no credit for. My friend Audrey, who is a woman of many talents and also shares my love for English literature, gave it to me. And now I will give it to you, certain that it will brighten your day whenever you choose to whip together these sinful ingredients.

Eagle Brand Pound Cake

2 cups sugar

1 lb. (yes pound! you read that right!) butter

5 eggs

1 can eagle brand milk

1 tsp. almond flavoring

1 tsp vanilla flavoring

3 cups flour

Cream butter and sugar together. Add eggs and beat well. Mix rest of the ingredients; beat well. Bake (in greased and floured) bundt pan for 1 1/2 hours at 325 degrees. Cool before removing from pan. Once, I had it served with strawberries and whipped cream which is a delicious addition.  

As a couple of my friends like to say - "That was free." While you're eating your cake, you should check out Audrey's website - Audrey Ryon Photography - beautiful work!

Another website that makes me happy is Shauna Maness' blog. In particular, this post made me giddy on a rainy day when I stumbled upon it....oh Paris, how I love thee. 

I love art. I sometimes struggle to balance my desire for an artistic lifestyle with my desire to have a clean room or check things off a check list or make phone calls to all the people I want to stay in touch with. The pursuit of art at some point requires a withdrawal from people. I never wish to push away people in pursuit of art, whether it's simply enjoying it or attempting to create it....So, I will cherish these moments that fall like gifts in my lap when there is nothing pressing to do (well, maybe there are a few things I should do, but to me they are not as important as a person in need or an appointment I can't miss). My prayer is that, when I do finally get this chance to sit and be still, my eyes would be open to all that there is to see.   

I love photography (though I'm not much of a photographer myself) because it captures images that we all see, but few of us take the time to zoom in and appreciate. Looking at a photo that truly captures the essence of that moment in time, something within me clicks. Why didn't I pause like the photographer did to look at that flower. It's extraordinary. I'm not entirely sure I appreciated those scrumptious pastries when I was in Paris. Surely, I would have remembered how lovely they look in these photos. And, that expression on my dear friend's face....she is made in the image of God and here in this snapshot, I can see it like I never have before - the intricate design of a Creator. 

Creator, Savior, Best Friend, Holy God, open my eyes today to the wonders of your creation, the tragedy of how it has fallen, and the redemption made possible only through you.